F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Fondle Your Monkey Dags '

written by

Goatlord

I went to the mall for lunch today and was stunned by the sheer number of pregnant teenagers.

Ah yes, only the stupid people are breeding. Harvey Danger knew the score.

Who?

Nevermind. Perhaps the government should be handing out free televisions instead of cash incentives for recklessly increasing the national moron quotient.

Remind me to slap your mother. Besides, I don’t think it would take the kids long to figure out they could do it doggie-style so they could both watch X-Files.

You listen to the Bloodhound Gang but don’t know who Harvey Danger is?

So ... You wanna’ do it like they do on the discovery channel?

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Oscar Foxtrot Foxtrot.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Sentence '

written by

Dan

They say that

when you

spend enough

time together you

end up finishing

each other’s

sentences.

Mother Fucker!

I constantly feel like I’m in the middle of a sentence.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' No Wang Home '

written by

Goatlord

Happy thoughts. Long and thick, happy thoughts.

Tyler, I’m... Jesus H! So much blood! Are you OK? What the hell happened?!

Nothing to be alarmed about. I’ll be fine.

I got sick of looking at your mother’s false teeth embedded in the bathroom windowsill so I tried to pry them off with a screwdriver. I slipped and cut myself ... off.

That’s no small injury Tyler ... so to speak, you should seek medical attention.

I can regrow my own penis thank you very much!

Fine, have it your way. So, no wieners for dinner then?

Ha. Ha ... Ow!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Pixies '

written by

Dan

You know how if you have rainforest in your back garden you have pixies at the bottom of it?

Yes,... If you’re six.

Well we have a sand garden.

Yes??

I think you should turn to the east and meet our new neighbour

Greetings Heathen

by Allah

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Submission '

written by

Dan

You know what your problem is?

Oh, everyone wants to hear that as a prelude to constructive critisism.

You’re not submissive enough?

Oh, I’m sorry. Is this better?

Mmmm. Much better.

Eeep!

What do we say?

I submit

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Intelligent Design '

written by

Dan

I’ve become a supporter of the ’Intelligent Design’ theory.

The notion that evolution of the species was guided by a greater intelligence? I thought you hated that stuff.

Well, it doesn’t actually specify ’God’ as being the designer.

And so,...

And so I’m proposing myself as the ’greater intelligence’.

*sigh* and this has never been mentioned before because,...?

I work in,...
MYSTERIOUS WAYS!!

I think you’re forgetting what the ’I’ in ’I.D’ stands for.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' A Gift Like No Other '

written by

Stumpybear

When I was in highschool, my boyfriends would always smother me with gifts to show how much they loved me.

Did they smother you with their love too?

Filthy boy.

University was the same, my boyfriends would lavish me with expensive dinners and outings, although the smothering usually only involved whipped cream.

Alright! I get the hint. You’re feeling unloved and want some expensive smothering. I’ll be back.

Just out of curiosity, where might my exorbitantly priced gift be coming from?

Pillowtalk.