When I was little, I lived in a house that had a chimney.
One Christmas, I’m pretty sure I heard the chimney say ’no’.
I was thinking of getting a pet.
Don’t you like animals?
I married you, didn’t I.
..chickens in choppers, heh-heh. *sniff* *sniff* Did you just fart?
Women don’t fart
Mi dispiace signora, did you just break wind?
Then what is that God awful smell?
Probably the prawns I sewed into your jacket
The fire of you heart burns cold for my loins
Yes, my dog’s satay is nubian
When your yoghurt nose twists unfairly, Simon melts their face
Freakishly, bovines know the origin of your honour
He’s making a list,
And checking it once.
He already knows,
That people are cunts!
So you’re doing the christmas shopping today eh?
Santa Claus is gunning, the town.
You know what I like the most about Christmas?
mmm? What’s that?
Reminding you that you forgot to do your tax.
’Tis the season.
Would you please cook dinner tonight?
Oh, I could make a curry.
Lord no! The last time I ate your curry I passed out from the heat.
It was a Korma!
It’s pronounced,.. ’Coma’!
*Grunt*...Jesus fuck my nose!
Tyler dear, we’re getting a bit of a line up out here.
Well learn to cook woman!
I don’t think van Gogh could have painted a better bowl.
Tyler and Monique are spending Christmas at Monique’s parents this year.
It doesn’t go well.
You know the best thing about New Zealand?
The ruminant rumpy-pumpy.
I’m just saying...
It says here that 1 in 4 men dream about murdering their spouses.
Do you dream about murdering me?
I believe the term you’re looking for is "fantasize."
The car was making a weird noise. It was a kind of ’SQUEEEEEEEE!’
Sounds like the fan belt. That shouldn’t be too hard to fix.
Actually I don’t think it ’s the fan belt.
Well the car only makes a ’SQUEEEEEEEE!’ sounds when the fan belt’s slipped.
No, it also makes a ’SQUEEEEEEEE!’ sound when it slips across the medium strip on it’s roof.
You know that silk tie I own?
The one with the little camels? Yes.
Hypothetically speaking, if I spilt some grease on it I should be able to soak it out using bleach, right?
God, No! It would strip it of all it’s colour.
Hmmm,.. You know your white silk dress?
I don’t have a white silk dress. I have a red,.. silk,..
I slept terribly last night. Why can’t you stay on your side of the bed?
Fine, Whatever! What side is your side of the bed?
The top side.
Settled on your New Years resolutions yet?
I’ve decided that I am perfectly fine the way I am.
I actually sort of like you this way.
I’m still hung over.
You’re hung over? I think I tried to drink the dog.
I believe the expression is "hair of the dog."
I’m sorry. I got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman.
If it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt.
You bastard, that was me.
Oh, now I really do feel sick.
Blast! I dropped my pen.
While you’re down there,..
Wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it.
Oh wait....no, that’s just me.
So according to this,.. the animal that I am most like would be,...
hmm, a slug.
Hah! Yeah, I’d agree with that.
Me too. The slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world.
You can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you?
I’ve had enough of your failure to mow the lawn so I’ve had the whole thing dug up and replaced with a Japanese sand garden.
So I don’t have to mow any more?
No, and I don’t have to complain to you about mowing anymore.
We both win.
Yes, we both win.
One month later,..
The lawn needs raking into intricate patterns reflecting our current Tao.
ring ring *click*
Hi, We can’t come to the phone at the moment because Monique is,..
SUCKING MY VERY LIFE BLOOD AWAY
Tyler? What are you doing?
Just checking the phone message hon
Do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need?
We’re making dartboards in anger management class.
Would you like to watch a generic period film?
Oh, I hate those! Why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness.
You watch! A little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later.
You have no heart.
I mean, don’t these people have vitamin C? Eat a frickin’ orange for God’s sake.
I wish I could drop you into a hole.
It says here that ignoring your partner is the most offensive thing you can do, out-ranking ’striking’, ’abusing’ and ’cursing’.
My herb garden isn’t doing very well.
They say that plants benefit from being talked to.
ALRIGHT YOU FOLIAGE SPROUTING, ROOT SPREADING, SLUT OF A WEED!!! PROPERGATE LIKE THE FILTHY MUD STAINED WHORE THAT YOU ARE!!!
I thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us.
I did. What makes you think she hasn’t?
Well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the UPSTAIRS bathroom was a bit of a giveaway.
That would explain the loud thud we heard last night.
So...how’s the invisibility potion then?
Would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning?
It just means I’m more manly.
If you don’t do something about it, I certainly will.
If you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest.
A few predictable days later.
Oh God Help!! Someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. Oh GOD!! I can’t turn the cold water off!!!!
I saw Dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. It was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and I just drove my fist into his face. His limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.
Dear God Tyler! He was your best friend.
I know, I was horrified myself at the time, right up until I remembered a telling moment in our history.
He introduced us.