When I was little, I lived in a house that had a chimney.

One Christmas, I’m pretty sure I heard the chimney say ’no’.

I was thinking of getting a pet.

Don’t you like animals?

..chickens in choppers, heh-heh. *sniff* *sniff* Did you just fart?

Mi dispiace signora, did you just break wind?

Then what is that God awful smell?

The fire of you heart burns cold for my loins

When your yoghurt nose twists unfairly, Simon melts their face

Mmmmm

So you’re doing the christmas shopping today eh?

mmm? What’s that?

Meh!

Oh, I could make a curry.

It was a Korma!

I don’t think van Gogh could have painted a better bowl.

You know the best thing about New Zealand?

The ruminant rumpy-pumpy.

I’m just saying...

What?!

It says here that 1 in 4 men dream about murdering their spouses.

No.

I believe the term you’re looking for is "fantasize."

Sounds like the fan belt. That shouldn’t be too hard to fix.

Well the car only makes a ’SQUEEEEEEEE!’ sounds when the fan belt’s slipped.

You know that silk tie I own?

Hypothetically speaking, if I spilt some grease on it I should be able to soak it out using bleach, right?

Hmmm,.. You know your white silk dress?

I slept terribly last night. Why can’t you stay on your side of the bed?

The top side.

Witch!

Settled on your New Years resolutions yet?

I’m still hung over.

I believe the expression is "hair of the dog."

Ew.

I’m sorry. I got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman.

If it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt.

Oh, now I really do feel sick.

While you’re down there,..

Really?

So according to this,.. the animal that I am most like would be,...

hmm, a slug.

Me too. The slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world.

You can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you?

So I don’t have to mow any more?

We both win.

Do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need?

We’re making dartboards in anger management class.

Oh, I hate those! Why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness.

You watch! A little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later.

I mean, don’t these people have vitamin C? Eat a frickin’ orange for God’s sake.

My herb garden isn’t doing very well.

Hi.

I thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us.

Well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the UPSTAIRS bathroom was a bit of a giveaway.

So...how’s the invisibility potion then?

It just means I’m more manly.

If you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest.

I saw Dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. It was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and I just drove my fist into his face. His limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.

I know, I was horrified myself at the time, right up until I remembered a telling moment in our history.

He introduced us.