F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' In The Name Of '

written by

Goatlord

I’m home, late again. You know how aroused these gun nuts get when they’re talking about their collections. Honestly, they should be arrested for public lewdness or maybe, indecent dealings with a firearm.

Oh, you’re asleep...on the kitchen table, dead perhaps? Hmmm, regular drool patern, still warm, not dead. That’s ok Monique, we can play tomorrow.

*uff* Time to lay off the donuts girl, we can’t afford an escalator.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Stellar teacup ride '

written by

Dan

If our planet is revolving around the sun plus it’s spinning on it’s axis, doesn’t that mean it’s like a giant tea cup ride like at Disney world?

What?

Well, aren’t we slowing down during the day then doing a ’whip’ at night time?

I don’t think that astronomy works like that. It’s not a stellar theme park ride.

oh,..

So then it’s the fact that I’m married to you that’s the reason I wake up screaming?

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Slip Slidin’ Away '

written by

Goatlord

I was looking for some old photo’s of mine in the garage this morning and I came across a box of your old uni stuff. Does "Analien: In space no one can hear you ream!" mean anything to you?

Why whatever do you mean?

I mean, why do you have a VHS tape of hard core, gay porn amongst your old uni things?

It was a gift from friends, I’ve never actually watched it.

I’m not worried about your sexuality Tyler. It’s just that when I saw the title and the signatures of all the cast AND the personal message, "To our bestest grease boy ever." I thought to myself, what the hell is a grease boy?

It’s not something I’m ashamed of. While you were sucking off, ah...up to, all those directors to let you work on their films, I was able to pay my university fees upfront. It may not have paid as much as a fluffer but I was working an honest job for honest...

...hard core, gay porn. You haven’t answered my question senator.

No I haven’t, have I.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Hitting Girls '

written by

Dan

Why is it that you get to hit me but I don’t get to hit you?

Because I’m a girl.

So,..

Remember Lorena Bobbitt?

Take it. It’s not like I enjoy using my penis any more.

And you already sit down to pee.

Bite me.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Angry feminists '

written by

Jeremy

So, what are you reading about?

Angry feminists.

Wait, feminists are angry? What do they have to be angry about?

Female circumcision for one.

I don’t see how anyone with easy access to a pair of breasts can ever be angry.

You’re not helping.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Yo Yo Yo '

written by

Jeremy

I will be purchasing some bling bling after work today.

Do you even know what "bling bling" is?

Sure I do.

A Fiddy Cent ringtone for my cell phone?

You go now.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Welcome to Earth '

written by

Goatlord

I had to go into town to, do something, I think. The place is just crawling with... are they the new normal?

Relax, there’s going to be a pop culture expo on over the weekend. Some people like to express themselves with costume.

My eyes....

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Stay Awhile '

written by

Goatlord

You can stop with the cookie monster impressions, it can’t have been that bad.

Are you kidding?! The overstretched spandex, the bad wigs, the disfiguring acne.

The well rounded tights, the thigh hugging boots, oh yeah, the...

...deep impression of my forehead in the table, ow!

Actually, that worked. Thanks, I think.

Anytime.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Stay for a Little Bit '

written by

Goatlord

You realise that you’re one of the biggest fanboys I know.

I am nothing like those people.

You picked a napkin out of the bin because you thought Sarah Michelle Gellar MAY have used it. Fanboy.

Am not.

As stunning as this repartee is, you’d probably like it at the expo. There will be lots of Buffy merchandise to paw through and I’m pretty sure I heard that Joss Whedon’s signature will be making a special appearance.

Peace at last. If he comes back with any of those Evangelion dollies however...

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' You Know You Want To '

written by

Goatlord

That was great! Most of those costumed freaks were really nice, I hardly wanted to punch any of them in the face. There were a lot of non-costumed people like me there too, who would have thought?

Ah me, how time flies.

I picked up some "Crumpleton Experiment" and a "Phatsville Comix." A little, hyperactive young lad even wanted to sell me his love. I got to see Jake the Muss, very cool. I had no idea "Once Were Warriors" was still so popular, and...

..this one time, at band camp.

huh?

Anyway, I’m going back tomorrow, you should come too.

I don’t fucking think so.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Bored Last Night '

written by

Dan

What are you so happy about? And where did you go last night?

I was bored, so I did what I usually do. I wandered up and down the aisles at the hardware store.

And did it relieve your boredom?

Inspiration struck when I found that the plungers were stored next to the super glue.

You didn’t,...

And in news today,..

Shh! This’ll be it.

Oh Lord no.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Nevermind '

written by

Goatlord

If you’re going to read comic books behind there, you could at least turn the newspaper the right way up.

Hey? Oh, right.

Better?

Much. What are you reading anyway?

"Groovy Gravy" Surprisingly, it’s not crap.

More in-jokes? When will you learn?

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Cinnamon to Taste '

written by

Goatlord

Mmmm, nummy.

Y’know, the average human body contains 5.7 litres of blood.

Random fact spouting, this is new. What book did you get this tidbit from pray?

Book?

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Milk '

written by

Dan

You used the last of the milk.

Actually I tipped out what was left of what I replaced the milk with last week.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Chipper '

written by

Dan

You’re chipper!

My Chipper?

You are Chipper

Oh! Well, I figured out the solution to a problem that has been bothering me.

What was the solution?

My Chipper.

What was the problem?

It’s probably best you don’t ask.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Choke the Chicken '

written by

Goatlord

You work in the movie business, right?

Yeah, well y’know when you need animals on set, they have to come with trainers or "wranglers?"

If you needed a bunch of roosters for a scene would the trainer be called a, "cock wrangler?"

I don’t know, Grease Boy, you tell me.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Bang! Pop! '

written by

Dan

BANG!

Pop!

Fzzztgrgle!

Well, I’m going to go to the computer store.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Thanks for the Mammaries '

written by

Goatlord

Can I fondle your breasts?

Excuse me?

I’m bored.

Fondle your own.

Well...I guess they are of a similar size.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Schrodinger’s Friend '

written by

Dan

You know your friend Alex?

The Quantum Theorist?

That’s the one.

Sometimes he’s a really pleasant chap,..

But sometimes he comes across as a power hungry machivalian arse-clown.

You’ve known this quantum theorist longer. Which is he?

INDETERMINATE!!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' It must be Thursday '

written by

Dan

I’m an emotional rag. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the galaxy is released this Thursday. I’ve been waiting for this film for so long. My expectations don’t know what to do.

I’m so scared that they’ll be too high, and I’ll be let down by the film, but,..

Then I think that I’ll hate it because my expectations are so high,..

But then my expectations to hate it will mean that I’ll be pleasantly surprised when I actually see it,..

So now I’m looking forward to it again,.. So my expectations are high,..

I hear it’s pretty good.

AAAAAARGHH!!!!!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Paaaantss '

written by

Jeremy

I’m not wearing any pants.

Good thing I superglued your ass to that chair then.

Ah. So you did. And not just my ass, it appears.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Paaaants II '

written by

Jeremy

I’m off to the mall! There’s a sale on shoes.

Bugger. Stupid glue.

If only I were more flexible.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Paaaants III '

written by

Jeremy

SLAM! CRASH!

It’s about time you got home! There seems to have been some glue on the table...

¿Que?

...Monique?

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Paaaants IV '

written by

Dan

Um, Look señor, I don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing here but you’ve got to help me man.

¿Usted está bien, hombre?

I need some solvent. Metho, vodka, anything.

Mi amigo, los genitales son vinculados muy a esa silla

Bien, yo no soy interesado en actos sexuales extraños, Yo ahora saldré con esta máquina de DVD.

Please,.. You’ve got to,.. Hey! Are you stealing my DVD player?

Bueno adiós, hombre

NOOOOOOOO!!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Pop! Goes the Weasel '

written by

Goatlord

Apparently, my boss is getting some serious grief from a rival "gun shop." He’s given all employees some special, "home protection."

A gun! You’ve brought a firearm into this house?!

It’s ok Monique, I’ll have it on me at all times. See, it’s tucked into my pan...

BANG

I’m ok.

Careful there Tyler, you don’t want to go off half-cocked.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Editor '

written by

Dan

I can’t believe I’m so disappointed with the Hitchhiker’s movie. The editing was,.. was,..

You really had a lot resting on that movie didn’t you? I almost feel bad for my part in the selection of the editor.

You chose the editor?

’Chose’ is probably the wrong word for a process involving tequila and a blindfold.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Fishing '

written by

Dan

Well, I’m off fishing.

Aren’t you a bit optimistic using those over-sized hooks?

I just like a situation where those with the biggest mouths are punished.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Whoops! Gotta go.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Eternal Sunshine '

written by

Dan

Wasn’t ’Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind’ wonderful and romantic?

Meh!

It just prompted such intriguing questions.

Meh!

Erasing memories. What a strange notion.

Hey Tyler, what memories would you have deleted?

This conversation would make a nice start.

Fucker!

Whoa! Déjà vu!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Dugong '

written by

Dan

Aaaaaaargh!

You prick! You think it’s funny to replace my bathroom mirror with an aquarium containing a dugong?

Not as funny as the fact that it’s been there two days already.

Fuck you, Tyler.

Ancient sailors mistook them for mermaids.

Blow me!

Big fat Hairy Mermaids.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Nothing '

written by

Dan

Did you just say ’Nothing’?

I didn’t say anything.

No, Did you just say,. ’Nothing’?

The word ’Nothing’?

NO DAMNIT!! Did you SPEAK, but not say ANYTHING at all?

Start making sense Baldy or I’m packing you off to a home.