I understand that ’normal’ is a relative term but your family gatherings are just... so... completely... fucked!
That’s a fair comment. I must say that when I was a young lad, I would dream that my midget, trapeeze artist, biological parents would whisk me away one day to a life of high flying adventure in the circus.
Your cousin Will has changed though. I remembered him as being...
I was going to say, a bit alternative but yes, hippie scum would be more accurate.
Yeah, his new girlfriend is heavily into anime. My aunt calls it his, "Chubby, junkfood eating, robot phase." I always liked her.
I guess that explains the hair.
Oh no, they’re just freaks.
Your stupid dog snatched the meat off the bench today.
Oh Stuart, You rascally canine.
At any rate, we’re having stu for dinner.
That’s fine. I quite like stew.
That teacher friend of yours is an absolute riot. Wow, can that man tell a joke! There was this one, a right corker..
Yes, Dylan has managed to be the life of any party for as long as I’ve known him but Tyler dear, how many times do we have to go through this? You. Can’t. Tell. Jokes.
Nah, this one is sheer brilliance. I can’t go wrong.
What’s better than doing the horizontal folk dance with a 16 year old schoolgirl?
Ha, fantastic. You know it’s funny, because it’s...
Hi, Therese? Your daughter is in Dylan’s class this year right? Yeah, about that...
Oh shit! My alarm didn’t go off. Oh god, I’m late!
Sorry. Must have bumped it last night.
AHH! You bastard, I had a morning meeting with--
With Brad Pitt. Yes, you told me many, many times last night.
... So I said, "Get off my lawn, you old hag, or I’m calling the cops!"
You thought that was funny?
Well, of course. It was a joke...right?
Uh. On a completely unrelated note, there was a call from your mother. She needs bail money.
I’d kill you now, but she’s going to want that pleasure when she gets out.
Beware the lord of the fluorescent monkey penis!
Are you drunk????
I’m having a weekend get together, can I borrow all your buffy and angel dvds?
Lillee is here, 7lb 2oz.
Can you bring a nutcracker?
I .will freeze your chickens :-(
Zoe or Kaylee?
Kaylee or River?
Buffy or Willow?
It’s just not fair!
I sometimes think back to what the priest said, the day we were married.
Priest? You mean that guy dressed as Elvis?
Oh he was a priest, I’m just not sure from which church.
At any rate, most of it’s foggy but I remember these words like they were spoken yesterday.
"Death Do Us Part"
Roll on, reaper.
Amen to that.
Who was your most memorable ex-girlfriend?
Well,.. there was this italian girl with bad vision and disposable contacts.
What was so memorable about her?
She wore glasses all the time.
Scary, Scary girl,..
What about you?
There was this one guy who was Scottish.
Were you with him long?
Nah, It was just a highland fling.
We need tivo.
It makes suggestions for shows based on what you like. Tivo figures out what kind of person you are.
We already know what kind of "person" you are.
I was hoping it could tell us what manner of demonspawn you are, o’ watcher of reality shows.
One with good taste, o’ watcher of pro wrestling.
Care to explain why the tivo is full of pay-per-view porn set in World War Two?
I could take a guess...
Last week, you recorded Saving Private Ryan.
And you recorded Showgirls. Twice.
What happened to the tivo, darling?
I reset it, and recorded hours and hours of Will & Grace, and it still suggests home improvement and mechanic shows. So I tossed it.
I read that tivo can prove you’re gay.
No such luck for you, Butch.
Curse my heterosexuality.
You filthy, rag whore, dog fucking slut!
Eat shit you dirty, ring raiding, nugget punching, mouldy arsed, elephant groping, necrophiliac!
Sheep herding, felafel rapist!
Holy shit! Are you as turned on as I am? Last one upstairs felches first.
Hey no fair!
So...you wanted to be gay?
But, you like girls.
Relative to what?
American Idol. There can be only one. Who will it be?
The one with the sharpest sword, perhaps?
Charlie’s Angels. There can be only three.
Oh c’mon! They’re gagging for it.
We’re having people for dinner next Saturday so don’t make any last minute plans.
We only do this every few weeks and it’s not like we go out of our way to do things as a couple.
There’s the hamster thing.
Yes, there is the hamster thing.
Can we at least stay away from the Jones family. I’ve had Mrs Jones stuck in my teeth all week and an irritable bowel. I’m sure she was a vegan, the bitch.
Ok then, how about the Pavarottis? They’ve just emigrated from Italy.
Hmmm...It has been a while since we’ve had some good Italian.
I like to think of myself as a love maker of Olympic standard.
What? Like a Relay Runner?
Well, the bit where you perform is when you grab your shaft,..
..And only one person finishes, yes, I’d agree with that.
Although I think of you more like the luge.
The Luge athletes?
Actually I meant the course.
A dog flew passed my window today.
A dog flew passed your window?
Yes, I was amazed, the physical effects department have never gotten one higher than the eighth floor on a first attempt before.
Hmmm, weighing the pros and cons of the situation, ah stuff it. Just what the purple, monkey, dishwasher are you talking about?
It’s all for the latest high profile movie, "My nose smells like a geranium mummy."
The year is 7429, geranium mummies have taken control of the Earth, their one weakness, high speed canine. It’s a story about a handfull of courageous mutant bovine/donkey/men, their trusty catapults and an overwhelming supply of dogs for ammunition. Brad Pitt is going to voice for the dogs.
Y’know, I’d actually pay to see that.
You and a billion other morons. God, I love this business.
"Babies are the nicest way of all to start making people." Apparently. So, my mother still wants to know when we are having kids.
She WANTS mutant grandspawn?! It’s too late anyway, I had the operation done.
What? When was this? Why didn’t you consult me or perhaps my mother, about it? Can you at least sit down when I’m talking at...are you skipping?
I only said I had the operation done, I didn’t specify to whom said operation was performed on. Remember that time you woke up in a bathtub full of ice?
Those had better not be my fallopian tubes you’re jumping rope with!
I’m a little duch girl dressed in blue. These are the things I like to do...
Ah, Harken to thee my muse. My beloved. Fragrant blossom unto whom the earth itself does turn. I must away, but I shall return and lavish thee with delights.
Pray I delight in rekindling our tryst. Let me pamper you like the angel that you are.
I know. That’s the point.
You know nothing pile of tapir waste.
My God! They’re everywhere! When was the last time you were in here?!
Oh, it’s been at least a week, I guess. Why?
Ants! A disgustingly large, infestation of ants!
I hear you can get a topical cream for that these days.
A large porn conglomerate in Europe has snaffled up a medical cable channel in the US. They plan to introduce a programme dedicated to the therapeutic benefits of "fisting."
*cough* *splutter* The therapeutic benefits of...how the hell do they think they’re going to do that?!
One inch at a time. One inch, at a time.
Dear Lord! That fancy new coffee you bought is awful!
Don’t blame me, you made it this mor....Dear Lord!
Wait a minute, fancy new coffee from a pretty ’urn’ shaped container?
That’s the one. Perhaps we could give the rest to one of your relatives we don’t like.
One of my relatives!? That’s rich, you stupid bastard! We’re drinking grandma!
The Traditional Setup
Will you love me when I’m old and wrinkled?
The Traditional Punchline
Of course I do dear.
Tyler’s actual answer
Don’t be retarded you slack mole.
So, how was that jazz cd my cousin gave you?
I say hello to him once at one of your godawful family gettogethers and he thinks I’m his ticket to stardom.
A regular band will usually play music with instruments. Whatever the hell your cousin was doing would be best adopted as an "interrogation" method at Guantanamo Bay.
Not as good as he says he is, huh?
Hardly. I thought I was listening to a horn and elephant scrotum orgy. Naturally, my producer friends loved it.
Darling, I was looking over the credit card bills, and I found an unusual charge.
It wasn’t a hooker!
I didn’t say it was...
Oh. Good! Nevermind then.
You hired a hooker?
Nah. It’s just porn.
So we still have to have sex?
This place is so dusty.
Then maybe you should do some dusting.
I’m not doing dusting. That’s a chick’s job.
A chick’s job?
Yeah. Hey, where are you going?
To get a broom.
You better start running.
I’m reading an article about birdlife.
I’ve been thinking about Terri Schiavo.
She’s dead now Tyler. Just leave her be.
I was just wondering if the orderlies needed to use vaseline on her like they did Uma in ’Kill Bill.’
I would not say such things if I were you.
Why not? You can’t hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love.
What were we talking about?